3 years ago today.

3 years ago today I was forced to become stronger than I ever imagined.

3 years ago today I got up from my temporary bed, the couch, which I was being forced to lay on for 10 days without getting up much through the day.

3 years ago today I woke up and brought an extra pair of clothes with me to the doctor, just in case my water decided to randomly leak and make it look like I peed my pants.

3 years ago today we took that long car ride to the Dr. wondering about what was going to be revealed about our situation.

3 years ago today we were just going through the motions.

3 years ago today we didn't talk much, we didn't have much to say. We had tears and we had fears, that was all. Everything else had already been said.

3 years ago today I laid down on that Dr's table while desperately praying and holding my husband's hand.

3 years ago today that ultrasound wand was desperately looking for that critical amniotic fluid.

3 years ago today the ultrasound confirmed there was no measurable amount of fluid to support our baby.

3 years ago today we had a rude ultrasound tech who still made me sit there while she did everything you would normally do with a healthy baby, like measure the skull, look for the gender, look at the spine.

3 years ago today that rude ultrasound tech wouldn't answer my desperate questions when I already knew my baby wasn't going to make it.

3 years ago today every time that rude ultrasound tech would push down on my belly I felt something moving in a weird way.

3 years ago today the ultrasound tech told me that was the umbilical cord that was slipping out if me. Cord prolapse. Every time she kept taking a different measurement that cord kept coming out further and further.

3 years ago today as soon as we heard cord prolapse, we knew our baby had no chance. When that happens with a full term baby they rush to do an emergency c-section.

3 years ago today we watched on that ultrasound machine while our baby's heartbeat went from 170+ bpm to an unmeasurable amount.

3 years ago today we were given the option of a D & E or induced labor.

3 years ago today I decided I couldn't let my sweet innocent baby be cut up and sucked out of me.

3 years ago today I walked hand in hand with my husband to the hospital which was a block away.

3 years ago today we didn't even know how to be admitted to the hospital, let alone where the labor and delivery floor was.

3 years ago today I was being prepared to be induced, but I was only 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't take any classes to prepare me for labor, I didn't tour the hospital.

3 years ago today I was scared. We were scared. This was uncharted territory.

3 years ago today every doctor and every nurse that came by gave us a sad look. The Dr's were always shocked to see the cord prolapsed as that isn't common to just see. They would forget that my baby was already gone, so it was ok.

3 years ago tomorrow my baby was born after about 12 hours of epidural free labor. Our baby wasn't very big, but I have since learned that labor was every bit as painful as my other two.

3 years ago tomorrow we were asked many questions we were not ready to answer. Would you like to have a funeral for your baby? Would you like your baby to be buried or cremated? Would you like the hospital to take care of your baby's remains? Would you like a chaplain to come and pray with you? Would you like your baby to be baptized? Would you like pictures of your baby? Would you like to hold your baby? What would you like to name your baby? Would you like to have an autopsy done?

3 years ago tomorrow I held my baby for the first and last time. It was so hard putting my baby in that bassinet. When they wheeled her out of the room by heart hurt so bad knowing part of me was gone.

3 years ago tomorrow they wheeled me into a post partum room to recover. There were happy moms all around me with their sweet newborn babies.

3 years ago tomorrow I was offered to hold my baby one last time. I couldn't do it. It broke my heart last time they wheeled her away, I couldnt go through that again. I did what I could handle at that moment even if the nurse didn't understand and probably thought my "no" was rude. I couldn't lose it. I had to stay strong. Now I know being strong is actually allowing yourself to feel.

3 years ago tomorrow I craved to hold a newborn baby. My arms were so empty. While I slept I had dreams of a baby crying while being comforted by Jesus. I yearned to comfort her and tell her it was ok, that she was in the best place and being held by the best person.

3 years ago tomorrow I walked away from that hospital, with empty arms and an empty heart, knowing my baby was somewhere inside. Part of me was left in that hospital and to this day every time I drive by it I think of her.

3 years ago tomorrow we were on the drive home and I prayed for a sign to show me everything will be ok, maybe a rainbow, something. Less than 5 minutes later I looked out the window and I saw a very faint, very beautiful rainbow.

Today my rainbow is here. Her name is Aleigh and she is the kindest 23 month old kid. I got more than just a rainbow though, I was also blessed with a pot of gold underneath the rainbow, my sweet Amelia who is 11 months old.

If Ashtyn were alive today I would have a 3 year old, a (almost) 2 year old, and a (almost) 1 year old.

I am the most blessed person in the world. I have 3 kids. One is in the most perfect place and I miss her but I am not sad. I know I will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. I am so thankful God created her and gave her to me even if it was only for 18 &1/2 weeks.

I might write blogs like this every so many years about her but I do not talk to anyone about her or my experience. I will always remember on these days but I will not spend these days sad.

Today we went to a pumpkin patch and we laughed and we smiled. Tomorrow I will make a home made apple crisp. Every year on the day she was born I will bake something or have some kind of special dessert to celebrate her, whether I am the only one who knows it is for her or if everyone knows. It is a special way to remember her in a comforting, happy and quiet way.

I post these blogs to remind everyone they are not alone. Pregnancy and infant loss happen 1 in 4 times. The topic isn't talked about much as it is a sad thing to hear and talk about.

We feel like being strong is being able to cover up our emotions. Reality is being strong is opening up, cutting into those raw emotions and being able to talk about them then picking yourself back up to keep marching on the next day.

Moments like those are what makes us strong, and we learn how to become better people while we are down trying to find our way back up.