Christmas time is coming and I am sad. I am still hoping that Jake gets a job and we are able to be back in the mainland for Christmas.
Christmas is just not the same without family around. Now that we have kids it is even harder. We would love to be surrounded by all our family and for our kids to have that amazing experience.
I decided to listen to Christmas music yesterday for the first time this year. I usually wait until Thanksgiving but I was curious what the girls thought about the music. We ended up listening to it for a few hours, they loved it.
The songs brought a lot of emotions for me though. I just really want to be with family for Christmas. I miss you all.
Jake has some job opportunities still open out there and if he was to be offered a good one then he would have to be there probably within 4-5 weeks from accepting. Christmas is 5&1/2 weeks away so that is cutting it close.
Plane tickets are ridiculous during the holidays so it just isn't a smart thing to do right now.
We know that we are supposed to move. When we first learned it was time we didn't even really want to leave Hawaii, we love it here, at least not yet. Then we were just ok with leaving about 4-5 months later. We still weren't thrilled but we were ok with it. Now we are extremely ready. We have a plan to get back ASAP. We really feel like it is time.
We are doing our part now we are just waiting for God to do his part. We are trying our best to be patient.
Patience is hard knowing Christmas is coming. We have been living in limbo for almost a year now. We want to get the girls lots of things for Christmas but if we move we can't afford to bring them. I mean if you buy a toy for $20 and it costs you $10-15 to ship it a month later what is the point, it is smart to just wait to buy it after the move. But we have been waiting for almost a year now.
For the girls birthdays we bought them some fun things but they are all small things we can move with easily.
I have been holding off on potty training Aleigh because I don't want to buy all the equipment just to turn around and have to buy it a 2nd time a month later.
Also, Christmas decorations. We sold all our decorations when we thought we were moving to Salt Lake City. All we have left is some handmade or personalized ornaments and a homemade Christmas tree skirt. I don't want to celebrate the season without decorations, but I don't feel like it is smart to buy them all over again just to sell them shortly after for next to nothing. Plus who is going to want to buy used Christmas decorations right after Christmas? I doubt anybody.
Please just keep us in your prayers that a job works out soon. It would mean so much to our family to be back on the mainland for Christmas.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
Aleigh's birth story
Almost nothing goes as planned with 2 little ones. I am a planner and I can say that the girls have changed me. I still try to plan the day out but I now am very good at going with the flow when it doesn't work out. For example here I am writing this at 4am. Kea our dog decided through the night she needed to go outside 2 times now and is again letting me know the same. My 1 year old was also awake for an hour in the middle of the night. Thankfully this never happens anymore and I always get a full night uninterrupted amount of sleep.
Once I wake several times in the night it is really hard for me to go back to sleep. Today is Aleigh's 2nd birthday! To celebrate her day of birth I figured I would share her birth story with everyone as I don't believe I have done that yet. It is a funny story really.
Jake worked nights around the time Aleigh was born. I get a phone call at 5am from his work phone. I answer and get no response. This happens 3 times. I started to get annoyed as I am a pregnant woman who needs her sleep and why is my husband playing with me at 5am. Then finally I get a response. It was Jake moaning saying he was in so much pain laying on the floor in a fetal position while puking nonstop. He was saying he needs to go to the hospital. My husband never says things like this, so I jump out of bed. I rush in and wake up my mother-in-law, who was staying with us. She talked to Jake and it sounded like a possible ruptured appendix. We immediately tell him to call an ambulance.
We only have one car and he had it at work with him. His boss picks us up at home to take us to get the car so we can meet Jake at the hospital. It took us 2 hours to get to the hospital.
Since Jake called around 5am shortly after that my contractions started. I must have been so worried and stressed about Jake that it put me into labor. By the time I got to the hospital Jake was at my contractions were strong enough I knew this was it. But I did not want to deliver at this hospital, so I didn't tell anybody.
Finally the pain became readable on my face. The Dr. who was attending Jake looks over at me and back at Jake and says OK I know what is wrong with you, what is wrong with her? I tell him I am in labor.
Thankfully that Dr. told me I need to leave and make my way to the hospital I want to deliver at. Being in labor that also rushed them at getting Jake out of the hospital. He found out he had 2 kidney stones he was passing one of them.
Pam and I leave but I wasn't in my right mind at the moment and she didn't know her way around Hawaii as she was just visiting. I told her the on ramp to take us home instead of to the hospital. It takes us 15 minutes to turn around and go the right direction. By that time Jake called and was being released. We decided to go pick him up since we were at that exit and we have the only car.
Finally after awhile we were on the way to the hospital and once again Hawaii traffic didn't disappoint. It took maybe another hour to drive 15 miles! We arrived at 10am to Kapiolani Medical Center. They check me and I was at 5cm.
I waited two hours. At noon I was in too much pain so the Dr. checks and I was still at 5-6 cm. I decided to go ahead and get some type of IV pain medicine right after they moved me from the triage to the delivery room. Those wore off after an hour. It was then 1:30 and I was in so much pain I decided to try a hot shower. That was the best pain relief. It took my pain from a 10 to a 5. I stayed in the shower for 30 minutes. As soon as I got out the pain was immediately a 10 again.
I started to feel a ton of pressure so the nurse checks and I was at 8cm! I asked for more IV meds. It took them at least 30 minutes to get them to me because for some reason they couldn't get ahold of my Dr. Finally I get the drugs. They look again and it was time for Aleigh to be born! An hour later she was born at 4:18 pm.
The doctor gives Jake a hug and then asks him ok so what happened to you? Jake had a hospital bracelet on and his arm was bandaged from taking blood. He looked exhausted and almost sick. Jake told him he just passed a kidney stone and was taken to the hospital. The Dr. was laughing so hard. He said I always heard of sympathy pains from the father. Now you are taking it to a whole new level. I just love my OBGYN.
After 1 stitch, an hour of manually trying to get the placenta out with the doctors arm and lots and lots pain. The Dr. had to do a D&C . After losing lots of blood I was able to relax. They took Aleigh away though because my bleeding was a risk. I then didn't get to see her for another 4 hours. I was so thankful to be able to hold her for about 10 minutes before that. That moment was simply amazing and I won't even try to describe it. It is a moment that I will just remember and keep private for the rest of my life.
Aleigh is so healthy and happy. Jake was rushed to the hospital, gave birth to a kidney stone while I was rushed to a different hospital to give birth to a baby all within 11 hours. Jake and I are incredibly happy to be raising a beautiful baby girl named Aleigh Grace Madison.
The last 2 years have been so much fun with her. She is a sweet, silly, adorable, caring hard headed little girl. In my eyes she is just perfect. Happy Birthday Aleigh.
Once I wake several times in the night it is really hard for me to go back to sleep. Today is Aleigh's 2nd birthday! To celebrate her day of birth I figured I would share her birth story with everyone as I don't believe I have done that yet. It is a funny story really.
Jake worked nights around the time Aleigh was born. I get a phone call at 5am from his work phone. I answer and get no response. This happens 3 times. I started to get annoyed as I am a pregnant woman who needs her sleep and why is my husband playing with me at 5am. Then finally I get a response. It was Jake moaning saying he was in so much pain laying on the floor in a fetal position while puking nonstop. He was saying he needs to go to the hospital. My husband never says things like this, so I jump out of bed. I rush in and wake up my mother-in-law, who was staying with us. She talked to Jake and it sounded like a possible ruptured appendix. We immediately tell him to call an ambulance.
We only have one car and he had it at work with him. His boss picks us up at home to take us to get the car so we can meet Jake at the hospital. It took us 2 hours to get to the hospital.
Since Jake called around 5am shortly after that my contractions started. I must have been so worried and stressed about Jake that it put me into labor. By the time I got to the hospital Jake was at my contractions were strong enough I knew this was it. But I did not want to deliver at this hospital, so I didn't tell anybody.
Finally the pain became readable on my face. The Dr. who was attending Jake looks over at me and back at Jake and says OK I know what is wrong with you, what is wrong with her? I tell him I am in labor.
Thankfully that Dr. told me I need to leave and make my way to the hospital I want to deliver at. Being in labor that also rushed them at getting Jake out of the hospital. He found out he had 2 kidney stones he was passing one of them.
Pam and I leave but I wasn't in my right mind at the moment and she didn't know her way around Hawaii as she was just visiting. I told her the on ramp to take us home instead of to the hospital. It takes us 15 minutes to turn around and go the right direction. By that time Jake called and was being released. We decided to go pick him up since we were at that exit and we have the only car.
Finally after awhile we were on the way to the hospital and once again Hawaii traffic didn't disappoint. It took maybe another hour to drive 15 miles! We arrived at 10am to Kapiolani Medical Center. They check me and I was at 5cm.
I waited two hours. At noon I was in too much pain so the Dr. checks and I was still at 5-6 cm. I decided to go ahead and get some type of IV pain medicine right after they moved me from the triage to the delivery room. Those wore off after an hour. It was then 1:30 and I was in so much pain I decided to try a hot shower. That was the best pain relief. It took my pain from a 10 to a 5. I stayed in the shower for 30 minutes. As soon as I got out the pain was immediately a 10 again.
I started to feel a ton of pressure so the nurse checks and I was at 8cm! I asked for more IV meds. It took them at least 30 minutes to get them to me because for some reason they couldn't get ahold of my Dr. Finally I get the drugs. They look again and it was time for Aleigh to be born! An hour later she was born at 4:18 pm.
The doctor gives Jake a hug and then asks him ok so what happened to you? Jake had a hospital bracelet on and his arm was bandaged from taking blood. He looked exhausted and almost sick. Jake told him he just passed a kidney stone and was taken to the hospital. The Dr. was laughing so hard. He said I always heard of sympathy pains from the father. Now you are taking it to a whole new level. I just love my OBGYN.
After 1 stitch, an hour of manually trying to get the placenta out with the doctors arm and lots and lots pain. The Dr. had to do a D&C . After losing lots of blood I was able to relax. They took Aleigh away though because my bleeding was a risk. I then didn't get to see her for another 4 hours. I was so thankful to be able to hold her for about 10 minutes before that. That moment was simply amazing and I won't even try to describe it. It is a moment that I will just remember and keep private for the rest of my life.
Aleigh is so healthy and happy. Jake was rushed to the hospital, gave birth to a kidney stone while I was rushed to a different hospital to give birth to a baby all within 11 hours. Jake and I are incredibly happy to be raising a beautiful baby girl named Aleigh Grace Madison.
The last 2 years have been so much fun with her. She is a sweet, silly, adorable, caring hard headed little girl. In my eyes she is just perfect. Happy Birthday Aleigh.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Birthday week.
Amelia's birthday is Wednesday and will be 1. Aleigh's birthday is Friday and she will be 2. This means I will have 2 one year olds for two days!!
We will celebrate on Thursday and Friday. I will make Amelia a cake on her birthday and watch/take pictures of her smashing into it. So far we know we will go to the zoo Thursday morning then to a show at Jake's work Thursday night, its like a luau minus the food and is free if he can get a pass from work. Friday we are going back to Jake's work to do the Character breakfast with Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse. The girls will wear their Thing 1, Thing 2 outfits all day as Amelia is 1, and Aleigh 2 I just thought that would be too cute. After breakfast we will try to go to the beach if the weather is nice and after nap time eat dinner out, go to a new playground and have cupcakes at our church group's house. We should have a fun time!
These are some of the things I think I will miss most about our babies growing up;
The look on Aleigh's face as soon as the introduction song to the Lion King comes on, which is the only movie or show she likes right now. She wants to watch it multiple times a day if I let her, which I have a few times just to watch her face light up.
Going for a walk with the girls in the stroller. It is usually a peaceful time and we all quietly take in the nature around us. We go for a 45 minute-1 hour walk daily in the stroller.
Feeding Amelia solids and seeing her reactions to the things she likes and doesn't like.
Watching Amelia play with her food, with a look on her face like she just won the jackpot, while she flings food all over the floor. The dog then runs to get it as if she also just won the jackpot.
Aleigh's face when she sees an animal she likes. She gets nervous but really excited at the same time.
Reading the same books 20 times just to make the girls happy. I know I will miss "Brown bear, Brown bear", "Hush little baby" and the "spot" books as those have always been the favorite among Aleigh.
Washing 8 bottles a day. The girls are both on whole milk now and Amelia has been off the bottle for almost a month. At one time when Amelia was first born I was washing about 10 bottles/cups a day between the 2 of them. I already miss those moments of bottle feeding my tiny little newborn while she cuddles in my arms. My wallet says thank you, my heart says can't you stay a baby!
Amelia's baby chub. Amelia is a tiny little thing. She didn't have nearly the amount of baby chub Aleigh had, but my oh my she does have those chubby cheeks. I just want to squeeze and kiss them all day long. I learned with Aleigh that they practically went away over night and I am not making that mistake again. Those cheeks are getting a lot of attention, whether Amelia likes it or not.
I will miss seeing Aleigh just randomly walk over and hug Amelia. Thank God that will probably last awhile longer, but I know eventually I will miss those extra sweet moments.
I will miss seeing Amelia's cute little baby walk. She kicks those legs straight out while holding her hands straight down with her fingers pointed out, it reminds me of how penguins walk. She is just too cute.
I will miss all the laughter when they are both exhausted. This is Jake's favorite time of the day. When they are really tired they will just giggle at the smallest things and Jake loves to get them going. I will miss just sitting back watching those moments.
I will miss the baby babbling. Neither of the girls are really talking right now but they are getting so close. It is adorable when Amelia goes "mama mama MAMA" she only does this when she is upset for some reason. Haha when she is happy she says everything else.
I will miss those moments of holding your baby while they sleep. Let's face it, I haven't held either one while they slept in months. They got bigger and have since grown out of it. I miss those sweet moments.
I will miss those silly faces Aleigh makes. She has so many expressions. When she is learning something new and I say "no we shouldn't so that because of ____." She will tilt her head to the side scrunch one eye closed give her mouth a half grin and say "eh" as if she says that's ok, oh well.
I will miss those early morning and bedtime cuddles. I know they will eventually fade away. I just pray they last at least 1 more year.
I will miss changing diapers. I am sure I will somehow miss those moments of holding down a baby to change their diaper when they squeal, giggle, sometimes cry because all they want to do is crawl, walk or play. At the moment those times can be annoying. Now looking back I am already laughing because they are just really silly.
I will miss those playful moments when Amelia thinks it is funny to sit on your head, eat your nose, pull your hair or fall on top of you. She just wants to play with ME and I am the most blessed person.
I will miss the moments when they are obsessed with one thing for weeks because they are learning to do it themselves. Aleigh has always loved going up and down stairs. She can now do it on her own. She went through several phases where she wanted to go up and down them way too many times. This meant I had to carry Amelia up and down them. It was quite the workout really. But it was so worth it to see her excited face when she did it all by herself for the first time. Right now it is an obsession with door handles and we have to open and close them over and over and make sure little sis doesn't get hurt each time as she wants to be right there in the action too.
I will miss rocking/holding a baby to sleep. With Aleigh I did this every nap time and every bedtime until she was 18 months. While it became stressful doing this I now miss those moments and wish I would have enjoyed them a little more. Amelia has never wanted to be held to sleep. She has always wanted room to move and be more independent. I remember she went through a phase at about 3-6 months old where she wanted to be held and finally, for the first time I was able to hold her to sleep, I cried little tears as I loved that moment. Before and after those few months all she would want was our hand on her back letting her know we were there. I know I will miss those times too.
I will miss their firsts. The first smile, the first tooth that pops through, their first step, the first time they clap their hands, their first solids, their first time rolling over, the first time playing pat-a-cake, their first shoes, their first babble, their first giggle. The list could go on and on.
I just loved every minute of having a baby, and I will miss each and every moment big or small. I have to say though I am really looking forward to watching them grow up together. I hope they will be best friends. Here is to having a 1 year old and 2 year old!
Cheers, Jennifer.
We will celebrate on Thursday and Friday. I will make Amelia a cake on her birthday and watch/take pictures of her smashing into it. So far we know we will go to the zoo Thursday morning then to a show at Jake's work Thursday night, its like a luau minus the food and is free if he can get a pass from work. Friday we are going back to Jake's work to do the Character breakfast with Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse. The girls will wear their Thing 1, Thing 2 outfits all day as Amelia is 1, and Aleigh 2 I just thought that would be too cute. After breakfast we will try to go to the beach if the weather is nice and after nap time eat dinner out, go to a new playground and have cupcakes at our church group's house. We should have a fun time!
These are some of the things I think I will miss most about our babies growing up;
The look on Aleigh's face as soon as the introduction song to the Lion King comes on, which is the only movie or show she likes right now. She wants to watch it multiple times a day if I let her, which I have a few times just to watch her face light up.
Going for a walk with the girls in the stroller. It is usually a peaceful time and we all quietly take in the nature around us. We go for a 45 minute-1 hour walk daily in the stroller.
Feeding Amelia solids and seeing her reactions to the things she likes and doesn't like.
Watching Amelia play with her food, with a look on her face like she just won the jackpot, while she flings food all over the floor. The dog then runs to get it as if she also just won the jackpot.
Aleigh's face when she sees an animal she likes. She gets nervous but really excited at the same time.
Reading the same books 20 times just to make the girls happy. I know I will miss "Brown bear, Brown bear", "Hush little baby" and the "spot" books as those have always been the favorite among Aleigh.
Washing 8 bottles a day. The girls are both on whole milk now and Amelia has been off the bottle for almost a month. At one time when Amelia was first born I was washing about 10 bottles/cups a day between the 2 of them. I already miss those moments of bottle feeding my tiny little newborn while she cuddles in my arms. My wallet says thank you, my heart says can't you stay a baby!
Amelia's baby chub. Amelia is a tiny little thing. She didn't have nearly the amount of baby chub Aleigh had, but my oh my she does have those chubby cheeks. I just want to squeeze and kiss them all day long. I learned with Aleigh that they practically went away over night and I am not making that mistake again. Those cheeks are getting a lot of attention, whether Amelia likes it or not.
I will miss seeing Aleigh just randomly walk over and hug Amelia. Thank God that will probably last awhile longer, but I know eventually I will miss those extra sweet moments.
I will miss seeing Amelia's cute little baby walk. She kicks those legs straight out while holding her hands straight down with her fingers pointed out, it reminds me of how penguins walk. She is just too cute.
I will miss all the laughter when they are both exhausted. This is Jake's favorite time of the day. When they are really tired they will just giggle at the smallest things and Jake loves to get them going. I will miss just sitting back watching those moments.
I will miss the baby babbling. Neither of the girls are really talking right now but they are getting so close. It is adorable when Amelia goes "mama mama MAMA" she only does this when she is upset for some reason. Haha when she is happy she says everything else.
I will miss those moments of holding your baby while they sleep. Let's face it, I haven't held either one while they slept in months. They got bigger and have since grown out of it. I miss those sweet moments.
I will miss those silly faces Aleigh makes. She has so many expressions. When she is learning something new and I say "no we shouldn't so that because of ____." She will tilt her head to the side scrunch one eye closed give her mouth a half grin and say "eh" as if she says that's ok, oh well.
I will miss those early morning and bedtime cuddles. I know they will eventually fade away. I just pray they last at least 1 more year.
I will miss changing diapers. I am sure I will somehow miss those moments of holding down a baby to change their diaper when they squeal, giggle, sometimes cry because all they want to do is crawl, walk or play. At the moment those times can be annoying. Now looking back I am already laughing because they are just really silly.
I will miss those playful moments when Amelia thinks it is funny to sit on your head, eat your nose, pull your hair or fall on top of you. She just wants to play with ME and I am the most blessed person.
I will miss the moments when they are obsessed with one thing for weeks because they are learning to do it themselves. Aleigh has always loved going up and down stairs. She can now do it on her own. She went through several phases where she wanted to go up and down them way too many times. This meant I had to carry Amelia up and down them. It was quite the workout really. But it was so worth it to see her excited face when she did it all by herself for the first time. Right now it is an obsession with door handles and we have to open and close them over and over and make sure little sis doesn't get hurt each time as she wants to be right there in the action too.
I will miss rocking/holding a baby to sleep. With Aleigh I did this every nap time and every bedtime until she was 18 months. While it became stressful doing this I now miss those moments and wish I would have enjoyed them a little more. Amelia has never wanted to be held to sleep. She has always wanted room to move and be more independent. I remember she went through a phase at about 3-6 months old where she wanted to be held and finally, for the first time I was able to hold her to sleep, I cried little tears as I loved that moment. Before and after those few months all she would want was our hand on her back letting her know we were there. I know I will miss those times too.
I will miss their firsts. The first smile, the first tooth that pops through, their first step, the first time they clap their hands, their first solids, their first time rolling over, the first time playing pat-a-cake, their first shoes, their first babble, their first giggle. The list could go on and on.
I just loved every minute of having a baby, and I will miss each and every moment big or small. I have to say though I am really looking forward to watching them grow up together. I hope they will be best friends. Here is to having a 1 year old and 2 year old!
Cheers, Jennifer.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
3 years ago today.
3 years ago today I was forced to become stronger than I ever imagined.
3 years ago today I got up from my temporary bed, the couch, which I was being forced to lay on for 10 days without getting up much through the day.
3 years ago today I woke up and brought an extra pair of clothes with me to the doctor, just in case my water decided to randomly leak and make it look like I peed my pants.
3 years ago today we took that long car ride to the Dr. wondering about what was going to be revealed about our situation.
3 years ago today we were just going through the motions.
3 years ago today we didn't talk much, we didn't have much to say. We had tears and we had fears, that was all. Everything else had already been said.
3 years ago today I laid down on that Dr's table while desperately praying and holding my husband's hand.
3 years ago today that ultrasound wand was desperately looking for that critical amniotic fluid.
3 years ago today the ultrasound confirmed there was no measurable amount of fluid to support our baby.
3 years ago today we had a rude ultrasound tech who still made me sit there while she did everything you would normally do with a healthy baby, like measure the skull, look for the gender, look at the spine.
3 years ago today that rude ultrasound tech wouldn't answer my desperate questions when I already knew my baby wasn't going to make it.
3 years ago today every time that rude ultrasound tech would push down on my belly I felt something moving in a weird way.
3 years ago today the ultrasound tech told me that was the umbilical cord that was slipping out if me. Cord prolapse. Every time she kept taking a different measurement that cord kept coming out further and further.
3 years ago today as soon as we heard cord prolapse, we knew our baby had no chance. When that happens with a full term baby they rush to do an emergency c-section.
3 years ago today we watched on that ultrasound machine while our baby's heartbeat went from 170+ bpm to an unmeasurable amount.
3 years ago today we were given the option of a D & E or induced labor.
3 years ago today I decided I couldn't let my sweet innocent baby be cut up and sucked out of me.
3 years ago today I walked hand in hand with my husband to the hospital which was a block away.
3 years ago today we didn't even know how to be admitted to the hospital, let alone where the labor and delivery floor was.
3 years ago today I was being prepared to be induced, but I was only 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't take any classes to prepare me for labor, I didn't tour the hospital.
3 years ago today I was scared. We were scared. This was uncharted territory.
3 years ago today every doctor and every nurse that came by gave us a sad look. The Dr's were always shocked to see the cord prolapsed as that isn't common to just see. They would forget that my baby was already gone, so it was ok.
3 years ago tomorrow my baby was born after about 12 hours of epidural free labor. Our baby wasn't very big, but I have since learned that labor was every bit as painful as my other two.
3 years ago tomorrow we were asked many questions we were not ready to answer. Would you like to have a funeral for your baby? Would you like your baby to be buried or cremated? Would you like the hospital to take care of your baby's remains? Would you like a chaplain to come and pray with you? Would you like your baby to be baptized? Would you like pictures of your baby? Would you like to hold your baby? What would you like to name your baby? Would you like to have an autopsy done?
3 years ago tomorrow I held my baby for the first and last time. It was so hard putting my baby in that bassinet. When they wheeled her out of the room by heart hurt so bad knowing part of me was gone.
3 years ago tomorrow they wheeled me into a post partum room to recover. There were happy moms all around me with their sweet newborn babies.
3 years ago tomorrow I was offered to hold my baby one last time. I couldn't do it. It broke my heart last time they wheeled her away, I couldnt go through that again. I did what I could handle at that moment even if the nurse didn't understand and probably thought my "no" was rude. I couldn't lose it. I had to stay strong. Now I know being strong is actually allowing yourself to feel.
3 years ago tomorrow I craved to hold a newborn baby. My arms were so empty. While I slept I had dreams of a baby crying while being comforted by Jesus. I yearned to comfort her and tell her it was ok, that she was in the best place and being held by the best person.
3 years ago tomorrow I walked away from that hospital, with empty arms and an empty heart, knowing my baby was somewhere inside. Part of me was left in that hospital and to this day every time I drive by it I think of her.
3 years ago tomorrow we were on the drive home and I prayed for a sign to show me everything will be ok, maybe a rainbow, something. Less than 5 minutes later I looked out the window and I saw a very faint, very beautiful rainbow.
Today my rainbow is here. Her name is Aleigh and she is the kindest 23 month old kid. I got more than just a rainbow though, I was also blessed with a pot of gold underneath the rainbow, my sweet Amelia who is 11 months old.
If Ashtyn were alive today I would have a 3 year old, a (almost) 2 year old, and a (almost) 1 year old.
I am the most blessed person in the world. I have 3 kids. One is in the most perfect place and I miss her but I am not sad. I know I will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. I am so thankful God created her and gave her to me even if it was only for 18 &1/2 weeks.
I might write blogs like this every so many years about her but I do not talk to anyone about her or my experience. I will always remember on these days but I will not spend these days sad.
Today we went to a pumpkin patch and we laughed and we smiled. Tomorrow I will make a home made apple crisp. Every year on the day she was born I will bake something or have some kind of special dessert to celebrate her, whether I am the only one who knows it is for her or if everyone knows. It is a special way to remember her in a comforting, happy and quiet way.
I post these blogs to remind everyone they are not alone. Pregnancy and infant loss happen 1 in 4 times. The topic isn't talked about much as it is a sad thing to hear and talk about.
We feel like being strong is being able to cover up our emotions. Reality is being strong is opening up, cutting into those raw emotions and being able to talk about them then picking yourself back up to keep marching on the next day.
Moments like those are what makes us strong, and we learn how to become better people while we are down trying to find our way back up.
3 years ago today I got up from my temporary bed, the couch, which I was being forced to lay on for 10 days without getting up much through the day.
3 years ago today I woke up and brought an extra pair of clothes with me to the doctor, just in case my water decided to randomly leak and make it look like I peed my pants.
3 years ago today we took that long car ride to the Dr. wondering about what was going to be revealed about our situation.
3 years ago today we were just going through the motions.
3 years ago today we didn't talk much, we didn't have much to say. We had tears and we had fears, that was all. Everything else had already been said.
3 years ago today I laid down on that Dr's table while desperately praying and holding my husband's hand.
3 years ago today that ultrasound wand was desperately looking for that critical amniotic fluid.
3 years ago today the ultrasound confirmed there was no measurable amount of fluid to support our baby.
3 years ago today we had a rude ultrasound tech who still made me sit there while she did everything you would normally do with a healthy baby, like measure the skull, look for the gender, look at the spine.
3 years ago today that rude ultrasound tech wouldn't answer my desperate questions when I already knew my baby wasn't going to make it.
3 years ago today every time that rude ultrasound tech would push down on my belly I felt something moving in a weird way.
3 years ago today the ultrasound tech told me that was the umbilical cord that was slipping out if me. Cord prolapse. Every time she kept taking a different measurement that cord kept coming out further and further.
3 years ago today as soon as we heard cord prolapse, we knew our baby had no chance. When that happens with a full term baby they rush to do an emergency c-section.
3 years ago today we watched on that ultrasound machine while our baby's heartbeat went from 170+ bpm to an unmeasurable amount.
3 years ago today we were given the option of a D & E or induced labor.
3 years ago today I decided I couldn't let my sweet innocent baby be cut up and sucked out of me.
3 years ago today I walked hand in hand with my husband to the hospital which was a block away.
3 years ago today we didn't even know how to be admitted to the hospital, let alone where the labor and delivery floor was.
3 years ago today I was being prepared to be induced, but I was only 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't take any classes to prepare me for labor, I didn't tour the hospital.
3 years ago today I was scared. We were scared. This was uncharted territory.
3 years ago today every doctor and every nurse that came by gave us a sad look. The Dr's were always shocked to see the cord prolapsed as that isn't common to just see. They would forget that my baby was already gone, so it was ok.
3 years ago tomorrow my baby was born after about 12 hours of epidural free labor. Our baby wasn't very big, but I have since learned that labor was every bit as painful as my other two.
3 years ago tomorrow we were asked many questions we were not ready to answer. Would you like to have a funeral for your baby? Would you like your baby to be buried or cremated? Would you like the hospital to take care of your baby's remains? Would you like a chaplain to come and pray with you? Would you like your baby to be baptized? Would you like pictures of your baby? Would you like to hold your baby? What would you like to name your baby? Would you like to have an autopsy done?
3 years ago tomorrow I held my baby for the first and last time. It was so hard putting my baby in that bassinet. When they wheeled her out of the room by heart hurt so bad knowing part of me was gone.
3 years ago tomorrow they wheeled me into a post partum room to recover. There were happy moms all around me with their sweet newborn babies.
3 years ago tomorrow I was offered to hold my baby one last time. I couldn't do it. It broke my heart last time they wheeled her away, I couldnt go through that again. I did what I could handle at that moment even if the nurse didn't understand and probably thought my "no" was rude. I couldn't lose it. I had to stay strong. Now I know being strong is actually allowing yourself to feel.
3 years ago tomorrow I craved to hold a newborn baby. My arms were so empty. While I slept I had dreams of a baby crying while being comforted by Jesus. I yearned to comfort her and tell her it was ok, that she was in the best place and being held by the best person.
3 years ago tomorrow I walked away from that hospital, with empty arms and an empty heart, knowing my baby was somewhere inside. Part of me was left in that hospital and to this day every time I drive by it I think of her.
3 years ago tomorrow we were on the drive home and I prayed for a sign to show me everything will be ok, maybe a rainbow, something. Less than 5 minutes later I looked out the window and I saw a very faint, very beautiful rainbow.
Today my rainbow is here. Her name is Aleigh and she is the kindest 23 month old kid. I got more than just a rainbow though, I was also blessed with a pot of gold underneath the rainbow, my sweet Amelia who is 11 months old.
If Ashtyn were alive today I would have a 3 year old, a (almost) 2 year old, and a (almost) 1 year old.
I am the most blessed person in the world. I have 3 kids. One is in the most perfect place and I miss her but I am not sad. I know I will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. I am so thankful God created her and gave her to me even if it was only for 18 &1/2 weeks.
I might write blogs like this every so many years about her but I do not talk to anyone about her or my experience. I will always remember on these days but I will not spend these days sad.
Today we went to a pumpkin patch and we laughed and we smiled. Tomorrow I will make a home made apple crisp. Every year on the day she was born I will bake something or have some kind of special dessert to celebrate her, whether I am the only one who knows it is for her or if everyone knows. It is a special way to remember her in a comforting, happy and quiet way.
I post these blogs to remind everyone they are not alone. Pregnancy and infant loss happen 1 in 4 times. The topic isn't talked about much as it is a sad thing to hear and talk about.
We feel like being strong is being able to cover up our emotions. Reality is being strong is opening up, cutting into those raw emotions and being able to talk about them then picking yourself back up to keep marching on the next day.
Moments like those are what makes us strong, and we learn how to become better people while we are down trying to find our way back up.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Mommy-daughters day out
Today I had so much fun with the girls. It is very rare that I get to take the car while Jake works. He normally works early in the morning and leaves either before the girls wake up or literally a minute after they wake up, or has to leave for work at 12:30 which is in the middle of nap time and we would have to pick him up at 8:30 which is in the middle of bedtime. Or the 3rd normal is he works until midnight, yeah not waking the kids up at that hour.
Because we only have one car we stay home while Jake works. While Jake is off work we are usually out of the house.
Today Jake worked a "normal" shift and it didn't run into naptime or bedtime so we took the car and spent the whole day out of the house.
We started by Jake's work and walked the 2 mile beach side trail. Ko'olina is such a beautiful place. Probably on my top 5 favorite places on the island. Today there were hardly any people there, which is extremely uncommon.
We then stopped by to see Mickey Mouse at the Aulani resort. We were probably 75 feet away and Aleigh was excited but also nervous. I decided to make a reservation for the character breakfast on Aleigh's birthday to celebrate both their birthdays. Hopefully Mickey mouse won't scare them too much.
Aleigh loves looking at fish so we stop by to see the Aquariums Jake works with at the resort. The girls enjoyed that.
On the walk back we stopped to run around in the amazing green grass Ko'olina always has. It was nice to lay down on it. It really is some soft perfect looking grass.
The girls laid in bed giggling with each other and babbling back in forth for a good 45 minutes before falling asleep.
After nap time we headed to the craziness of Costco in hopes to find some bottled water. We have a possible hurricane or tropical storm heading our way. Naturally they were already out if water. Oh well, the free samples made up for the trip.
A girl's day out just wouldn't be complete, in my opinion, without a trip to Target. I just love that store. Thankfully a double kiddo cart was waiting right by an empty parking space.
There are some days when we go to Target and can't find a cart that can seat both kids. Naturally we left the double stroller at home so this means we have to push 2 carts around the store, or wear Amelia. Let's face it though sometimes 2 carts takes less energy if Jake is with me. Then while we are navigating our 2 shopping carts down aisles we always see someone with the double kiddo cart and only has 1 child!!!!!!! How dare they!! They could be using a normal cart, but no they decide to take the last one that can be used for multiple kids, when they only have one. Oh well.
Thankfully today I found a double seater very easily. At the end of the target trip I decided to buy a couple cookies. I figured Aleigh would like one. Apparently she doesn't know what a cookie is because she wouldn't eat it no matter how many times I offered.
Jake and I tend to sneak our dessert in after the girls go to bed. :) We do give the kids some but not all the time.
I talked to a lady at target today who has a 8,7 & 5 year old. The 8 &7 yr olds are 15 months apart and the 7 & 5 yr old are 19 months apart. She was a nice lady who understands. It was refreshing talking to someone who didn't ask if they are twins, or mention anything about how you are brave, or have your hands full. She told me how it was for her with her kids growing up so close together.
I am going to miss these days. Amelia had her very last bottle today. It was a sad moment. For the next two weeks her formula will go directly into sippy cups. For Aleigh it was so easy taking the bottle away when she turned 11 months, I thought I would do the same for Amelia. This weekend I am going to slowly start introducing whole cows milk to her. Boy I am ready to start saving that formula money.
Today was a fun day. The girls were completely exhausted by the end of the day. Aleigh could barely keep her eyes open during the Lion King before bed. I hope we can do it again soon.
Because we only have one car we stay home while Jake works. While Jake is off work we are usually out of the house.
Today Jake worked a "normal" shift and it didn't run into naptime or bedtime so we took the car and spent the whole day out of the house.
We started by Jake's work and walked the 2 mile beach side trail. Ko'olina is such a beautiful place. Probably on my top 5 favorite places on the island. Today there were hardly any people there, which is extremely uncommon.
We then stopped by to see Mickey Mouse at the Aulani resort. We were probably 75 feet away and Aleigh was excited but also nervous. I decided to make a reservation for the character breakfast on Aleigh's birthday to celebrate both their birthdays. Hopefully Mickey mouse won't scare them too much.
Aleigh loves looking at fish so we stop by to see the Aquariums Jake works with at the resort. The girls enjoyed that.
On the walk back we stopped to run around in the amazing green grass Ko'olina always has. It was nice to lay down on it. It really is some soft perfect looking grass.
The girls laid in bed giggling with each other and babbling back in forth for a good 45 minutes before falling asleep.
After nap time we headed to the craziness of Costco in hopes to find some bottled water. We have a possible hurricane or tropical storm heading our way. Naturally they were already out if water. Oh well, the free samples made up for the trip.
A girl's day out just wouldn't be complete, in my opinion, without a trip to Target. I just love that store. Thankfully a double kiddo cart was waiting right by an empty parking space.
There are some days when we go to Target and can't find a cart that can seat both kids. Naturally we left the double stroller at home so this means we have to push 2 carts around the store, or wear Amelia. Let's face it though sometimes 2 carts takes less energy if Jake is with me. Then while we are navigating our 2 shopping carts down aisles we always see someone with the double kiddo cart and only has 1 child!!!!!!! How dare they!! They could be using a normal cart, but no they decide to take the last one that can be used for multiple kids, when they only have one. Oh well.
Thankfully today I found a double seater very easily. At the end of the target trip I decided to buy a couple cookies. I figured Aleigh would like one. Apparently she doesn't know what a cookie is because she wouldn't eat it no matter how many times I offered.
Jake and I tend to sneak our dessert in after the girls go to bed. :) We do give the kids some but not all the time.
I talked to a lady at target today who has a 8,7 & 5 year old. The 8 &7 yr olds are 15 months apart and the 7 & 5 yr old are 19 months apart. She was a nice lady who understands. It was refreshing talking to someone who didn't ask if they are twins, or mention anything about how you are brave, or have your hands full. She told me how it was for her with her kids growing up so close together.
I am going to miss these days. Amelia had her very last bottle today. It was a sad moment. For the next two weeks her formula will go directly into sippy cups. For Aleigh it was so easy taking the bottle away when she turned 11 months, I thought I would do the same for Amelia. This weekend I am going to slowly start introducing whole cows milk to her. Boy I am ready to start saving that formula money.
Today was a fun day. The girls were completely exhausted by the end of the day. Aleigh could barely keep her eyes open during the Lion King before bed. I hope we can do it again soon.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Day 7: cuddly kids
The girls have been wanting to be held so much lately. While this can be tough because they both tend to want to be held at the same time, I love it! They are growing up so fast and I am loving each and every cuddle, big and kiss. They are the sweetest little girls and I am the most blessed mom!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Please think before you speak!
Today a lady was talking about how her baby gets called tiny and skinny a lot. This bothers her because her son has feeding issues and she has tried everything to get him to eat what others would call "normal" amounts. When she hears others talk about how her child is smaller than others it makes her feel guilty, like she isn't doing the right things, which is not at all true.
I on the other hand with Aleigh would get "oh you have such a big baby", "my how old is HE? HE looks huge for his age", "oh boy she is healthy, I bet she likes to eat". The list could go on and on really.
One time I even had a group of ladies walk by and one loudly decided to say "that is the fattest baby I have ever seen" she was immediately hit in the arm and shushed by her friends. None the less Jake and I both heard. We wanted to jump her and retort back some rude comments about how chubby she was herself. Trying to be the bigger person I kept walking, and have since forgiven.
Society these days makes moms worry and feel awful about the amazing job they are doing. The majority thinks they are better than the other person, or they just think they can "fix" it all.
The list can go on and on about subject matter that keeps moms up all night long.
Attachment parenting vs. what detached? (As if the opposite is what any good mom would want). Oh but wait a sec. you do want them to learn to do things on their own or they will never get anywhere in life.
Cosleeping vs. Making them sleep in their own cold dark beds. But wait a second some say cosleeping is risky as their is a greater risk of SIDS. Plus you once again hear horror stories of your teenagers wanting to still sleep in your bed.
Cry it out vs. a million other methods to get your child to sleep. The glorious nights of 8+ hours of peaceful sleep. This is what everyone dreams of and everyone thinks their method of getting there is right and the other is way way wrong.
Breastfeeding vs. Formula. Women and Dr's make it seem like if you don't breastfeed your baby you are a failure as a mother and your baby is going to end up with an awful immune system and will be obese! Formula feeding moms, this is NOT true, do some research. Don't feel bad about doing what is best for yourself and your baby by giving formula. I say it is a gift from God and my kids are as healthy as can be. I was a much better mom once I gave up breastfeeding as I was depressed, stressed and in the worst pain of my life trying to breastfeed and this was from a mom who gave birth to 2 kids epidural free.
Stay at home mom vs. working mom. Just stop ladies, stop with the judgements. Just know you are each doing your absolute best to raise your kids the best way you know how.
Child spacing is another one. My kids as you probably already know are 363 days apart. People just think they can talk to you and give you advice on how to space out your kids age. I thought this was all up to God? Apparently not. I have talked to some who would love to have their kids close in age but couldn't get pregnant. One lady told me I should pray to God for a boy and go for it immediately, yeah we are done having kids but thank you for the advice little old lady at McDonalds. When we told my pediatrician that I was pregnant with Amelia he asked if we would have any more after that. We said no and he said "thank you". Oh you are welcome I had no idea I was doing you a service by not having any more kids.
Some others are:
organic everything vs. Non
home schooling vs. Schools,
vaccines vs. Not vaccinating,
home birth vs hospital birth,
Feeding your baby solids at 4-6 months vs. 6+ months vs. baby led weaning.
Drug free birth vs. Give me the drugs now!
I am sure the list could go on and on but I honestly have forgotten everything that gets debated on because I just generally do not care anymore.
Just stop comparing ladies! Watch what you say. Only say kind things. Dont talk about physical features of someones baby unless it is to say how cute they are, or how pretty their eyes are. Stop judging and if you are the one being judged just learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. I used to let it get to me until I was at the point where I could barely sleep at night I was so worried I was doing something wrong with my child.
Now I just laugh on the inside, smile, walk away or change the subject.
Let mothers follow their own instincts again, as they are the only ones to know what is best for their kids.
Moms I suggest you throw out all the parenting books and follow those instincts God gave you. It is so much less confusing this way, and you will finally truly enjoy your kids instead of constantly worrying about them.
Know you are the best mom for your kids and you are very different from other moms as God made you different and God made your child different. You know what is best and in your eyes your child is perfect, and that alone should be good enough for you.
I on the other hand with Aleigh would get "oh you have such a big baby", "my how old is HE? HE looks huge for his age", "oh boy she is healthy, I bet she likes to eat". The list could go on and on really.
One time I even had a group of ladies walk by and one loudly decided to say "that is the fattest baby I have ever seen" she was immediately hit in the arm and shushed by her friends. None the less Jake and I both heard. We wanted to jump her and retort back some rude comments about how chubby she was herself. Trying to be the bigger person I kept walking, and have since forgiven.
Society these days makes moms worry and feel awful about the amazing job they are doing. The majority thinks they are better than the other person, or they just think they can "fix" it all.
The list can go on and on about subject matter that keeps moms up all night long.
Attachment parenting vs. what detached? (As if the opposite is what any good mom would want). Oh but wait a sec. you do want them to learn to do things on their own or they will never get anywhere in life.
Cosleeping vs. Making them sleep in their own cold dark beds. But wait a second some say cosleeping is risky as their is a greater risk of SIDS. Plus you once again hear horror stories of your teenagers wanting to still sleep in your bed.
Cry it out vs. a million other methods to get your child to sleep. The glorious nights of 8+ hours of peaceful sleep. This is what everyone dreams of and everyone thinks their method of getting there is right and the other is way way wrong.
Breastfeeding vs. Formula. Women and Dr's make it seem like if you don't breastfeed your baby you are a failure as a mother and your baby is going to end up with an awful immune system and will be obese! Formula feeding moms, this is NOT true, do some research. Don't feel bad about doing what is best for yourself and your baby by giving formula. I say it is a gift from God and my kids are as healthy as can be. I was a much better mom once I gave up breastfeeding as I was depressed, stressed and in the worst pain of my life trying to breastfeed and this was from a mom who gave birth to 2 kids epidural free.
Stay at home mom vs. working mom. Just stop ladies, stop with the judgements. Just know you are each doing your absolute best to raise your kids the best way you know how.
Child spacing is another one. My kids as you probably already know are 363 days apart. People just think they can talk to you and give you advice on how to space out your kids age. I thought this was all up to God? Apparently not. I have talked to some who would love to have their kids close in age but couldn't get pregnant. One lady told me I should pray to God for a boy and go for it immediately, yeah we are done having kids but thank you for the advice little old lady at McDonalds. When we told my pediatrician that I was pregnant with Amelia he asked if we would have any more after that. We said no and he said "thank you". Oh you are welcome I had no idea I was doing you a service by not having any more kids.
Some others are:
organic everything vs. Non
home schooling vs. Schools,
vaccines vs. Not vaccinating,
home birth vs hospital birth,
Feeding your baby solids at 4-6 months vs. 6+ months vs. baby led weaning.
Drug free birth vs. Give me the drugs now!
I am sure the list could go on and on but I honestly have forgotten everything that gets debated on because I just generally do not care anymore.
Just stop comparing ladies! Watch what you say. Only say kind things. Dont talk about physical features of someones baby unless it is to say how cute they are, or how pretty their eyes are. Stop judging and if you are the one being judged just learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. I used to let it get to me until I was at the point where I could barely sleep at night I was so worried I was doing something wrong with my child.
Now I just laugh on the inside, smile, walk away or change the subject.
Let mothers follow their own instincts again, as they are the only ones to know what is best for their kids.
Moms I suggest you throw out all the parenting books and follow those instincts God gave you. It is so much less confusing this way, and you will finally truly enjoy your kids instead of constantly worrying about them.
Know you are the best mom for your kids and you are very different from other moms as God made you different and God made your child different. You know what is best and in your eyes your child is perfect, and that alone should be good enough for you.
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