As I sit here holding my newborn baby and enjoying watching my husband and Aleigh laugh and play a song comes on the radio-"Never Let Go" by David Crowder Band. This song was introduced to Jake and I while I was being induced with Ashtyn. I havent heard the song in years. It made me think back on the past. I was sitting here enjoying my family thinking of how happy I am. I am so incredibly happy. I have come so far over the past two years. At that time I really didnt think I would ever have kids here on earth. I thought Jake and I would be traveling the world for the rest of our lives because we wouldn't have kids. My heart always knew I would have kids and be a stay at home mom. God wouldn't have given me that need to be a mom if it wasnt meant to happen.
Over the past two years I have gotten over a lot of fears and came to trust God a whole lot more. Sadly I was forced to trust him in most of those cases, it wasnt by choice like it should have been. While pregnant with Aleigh I was trusting Him with her. I prayed constantly from 16-19 weeks that she would make it. After having Aleigh I had this annoying fear of something happening to myself. I felt like oh now that I have my dream and am so incredibly happy, something is going to happen and I am not going to be able to enjoy it anymore. Then I got pregnant. I wont lie that fear remained with me and would creep up every so often testing me, especially at the end of the pregnancy. Then when I had Amelia I was tested. All my biggest fears were happening. My water broke, it reminded me way too much of what happened with Ashtyn. Because of that I was so worried about infection. This fear was engraved in me because of the doctors from Ashtyn's pregnancy. They kept telling me how dangerous it is to get an infection from your amniotic sac being broken. So that fear came true, I got an infection. Then I had a big fear of epidurals because of all the horror stories of them. Then the fear of the baby getting stuck and possibly stressing the baby enough to cause heart rate issues, so thankful that didnt happen. Then the worst fear-a c-section. I just wanted to sink back into my happy life. But I was forced to trust God, and I did. Now I can say I really do feel complete with both my little girls and my incredible husband. I can also say I am no longer worried. God has shown me I can completely trust Him in his promises he makes.
Now as I sit here after the song has ended and I just can't get over how incredibly blessed I am all because of God. I love my family! I have come so far in the last 2 years! I will never be the same person as I was when I first heard this song just a short 2 years ago in a hospital room when I was in so much pain physically delivering a baby and emotionally losing my first and only (at the time) child. This song will always bring me back to that day but it will never have the same meaning to me.
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