3 years ago today.

3 years ago today I was forced to become stronger than I ever imagined.

3 years ago today I got up from my temporary bed, the couch, which I was being forced to lay on for 10 days without getting up much through the day.

3 years ago today I woke up and brought an extra pair of clothes with me to the doctor, just in case my water decided to randomly leak and make it look like I peed my pants.

3 years ago today we took that long car ride to the Dr. wondering about what was going to be revealed about our situation.

3 years ago today we were just going through the motions.

3 years ago today we didn't talk much, we didn't have much to say. We had tears and we had fears, that was all. Everything else had already been said.

3 years ago today I laid down on that Dr's table while desperately praying and holding my husband's hand.

3 years ago today that ultrasound wand was desperately looking for that critical amniotic fluid.

3 years ago today the ultrasound confirmed there was no measurable amount of fluid to support our baby.

3 years ago today we had a rude ultrasound tech who still made me sit there while she did everything you would normally do with a healthy baby, like measure the skull, look for the gender, look at the spine.

3 years ago today that rude ultrasound tech wouldn't answer my desperate questions when I already knew my baby wasn't going to make it.

3 years ago today every time that rude ultrasound tech would push down on my belly I felt something moving in a weird way.

3 years ago today the ultrasound tech told me that was the umbilical cord that was slipping out if me. Cord prolapse. Every time she kept taking a different measurement that cord kept coming out further and further.

3 years ago today as soon as we heard cord prolapse, we knew our baby had no chance. When that happens with a full term baby they rush to do an emergency c-section.

3 years ago today we watched on that ultrasound machine while our baby's heartbeat went from 170+ bpm to an unmeasurable amount.

3 years ago today we were given the option of a D & E or induced labor.

3 years ago today I decided I couldn't let my sweet innocent baby be cut up and sucked out of me.

3 years ago today I walked hand in hand with my husband to the hospital which was a block away.

3 years ago today we didn't even know how to be admitted to the hospital, let alone where the labor and delivery floor was.

3 years ago today I was being prepared to be induced, but I was only 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't take any classes to prepare me for labor, I didn't tour the hospital.

3 years ago today I was scared. We were scared. This was uncharted territory.

3 years ago today every doctor and every nurse that came by gave us a sad look. The Dr's were always shocked to see the cord prolapsed as that isn't common to just see. They would forget that my baby was already gone, so it was ok.

3 years ago tomorrow my baby was born after about 12 hours of epidural free labor. Our baby wasn't very big, but I have since learned that labor was every bit as painful as my other two.

3 years ago tomorrow we were asked many questions we were not ready to answer. Would you like to have a funeral for your baby? Would you like your baby to be buried or cremated? Would you like the hospital to take care of your baby's remains? Would you like a chaplain to come and pray with you? Would you like your baby to be baptized? Would you like pictures of your baby? Would you like to hold your baby? What would you like to name your baby? Would you like to have an autopsy done?

3 years ago tomorrow I held my baby for the first and last time. It was so hard putting my baby in that bassinet. When they wheeled her out of the room by heart hurt so bad knowing part of me was gone.

3 years ago tomorrow they wheeled me into a post partum room to recover. There were happy moms all around me with their sweet newborn babies.

3 years ago tomorrow I was offered to hold my baby one last time. I couldn't do it. It broke my heart last time they wheeled her away, I couldnt go through that again. I did what I could handle at that moment even if the nurse didn't understand and probably thought my "no" was rude. I couldn't lose it. I had to stay strong. Now I know being strong is actually allowing yourself to feel.

3 years ago tomorrow I craved to hold a newborn baby. My arms were so empty. While I slept I had dreams of a baby crying while being comforted by Jesus. I yearned to comfort her and tell her it was ok, that she was in the best place and being held by the best person.

3 years ago tomorrow I walked away from that hospital, with empty arms and an empty heart, knowing my baby was somewhere inside. Part of me was left in that hospital and to this day every time I drive by it I think of her.

3 years ago tomorrow we were on the drive home and I prayed for a sign to show me everything will be ok, maybe a rainbow, something. Less than 5 minutes later I looked out the window and I saw a very faint, very beautiful rainbow.

Today my rainbow is here. Her name is Aleigh and she is the kindest 23 month old kid. I got more than just a rainbow though, I was also blessed with a pot of gold underneath the rainbow, my sweet Amelia who is 11 months old.

If Ashtyn were alive today I would have a 3 year old, a (almost) 2 year old, and a (almost) 1 year old.

I am the most blessed person in the world. I have 3 kids. One is in the most perfect place and I miss her but I am not sad. I know I will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. I am so thankful God created her and gave her to me even if it was only for 18 &1/2 weeks.

I might write blogs like this every so many years about her but I do not talk to anyone about her or my experience. I will always remember on these days but I will not spend these days sad.

Today we went to a pumpkin patch and we laughed and we smiled. Tomorrow I will make a home made apple crisp. Every year on the day she was born I will bake something or have some kind of special dessert to celebrate her, whether I am the only one who knows it is for her or if everyone knows. It is a special way to remember her in a comforting, happy and quiet way.

I post these blogs to remind everyone they are not alone. Pregnancy and infant loss happen 1 in 4 times. The topic isn't talked about much as it is a sad thing to hear and talk about.

We feel like being strong is being able to cover up our emotions. Reality is being strong is opening up, cutting into those raw emotions and being able to talk about them then picking yourself back up to keep marching on the next day.

Moments like those are what makes us strong, and we learn how to become better people while we are down trying to find our way back up.

Mommy-daughters day out

Today I had so much fun with the girls. It is very rare that I get to take the car while Jake works. He normally works early in the morning and leaves either before the girls wake up or literally a minute after they wake up, or has to leave for work at 12:30 which is in the middle of nap time and we would have to pick him up at 8:30 which is in the middle of bedtime. Or the 3rd normal is he works until midnight, yeah not waking the kids up at that hour.

Because we only have one car we stay home while Jake works. While Jake is off work we are usually out of the house.

Today Jake worked a "normal" shift and it didn't run into naptime or bedtime so we took the car and spent the whole day out of the house.

We started by Jake's work and walked the 2 mile beach side trail. Ko'olina is such a beautiful place. Probably on my top 5 favorite places on the island. Today there were hardly any people there, which is extremely uncommon.

We then stopped by to see Mickey Mouse at the Aulani resort. We were probably 75 feet away and Aleigh was excited but also nervous. I decided to make a reservation for the character breakfast on Aleigh's birthday to celebrate both their birthdays. Hopefully Mickey mouse won't scare them too much.

Aleigh loves looking at fish so we stop by to see the Aquariums Jake works with at the resort. The girls enjoyed that.

On the walk back we stopped to run around in the amazing green grass Ko'olina always has. It was nice to lay down on it. It really is some soft perfect looking grass.

The girls laid in bed giggling with each other and babbling back in forth for a good 45 minutes before falling asleep.

After nap time we headed to the craziness of Costco in hopes to find some bottled water. We have a possible hurricane or tropical storm heading our way. Naturally they were already out if water. Oh well, the free samples made up for the trip.

A girl's day out just wouldn't be complete, in my opinion, without a trip to Target. I just love that store. Thankfully a double kiddo cart was waiting right by an empty parking space.

There are some days when we go to Target and can't find a cart that can seat both kids. Naturally we left the double stroller at home so this means we have to push 2 carts around the store, or wear Amelia. Let's face it though sometimes 2 carts takes less energy if Jake is with me. Then while we are navigating our 2 shopping carts down aisles we always see someone with the double kiddo cart and only has 1 child!!!!!!!  How dare they!! They could be using a normal cart, but no they decide to take the last one that can be used for multiple kids, when they only have one. Oh well.

Thankfully today I found a double seater very easily. At the end of the target trip I decided to buy a couple cookies. I figured Aleigh would like one. Apparently she doesn't know what a cookie is because she wouldn't eat it no matter how many times I offered.

Jake and I tend to sneak our dessert in after the girls go to bed.  :)  We do give the kids some but not all the time.

I talked to a lady at target today who has a 8,7 & 5 year old. The 8 &7 yr olds are 15 months apart and the 7 & 5 yr old are 19 months apart. She was a nice lady who understands. It was refreshing talking to someone who didn't ask if they are twins, or mention anything about how you are brave, or have your hands full. She told me how it was for her with her kids growing up so close together.

I am going to miss these days. Amelia had her very last bottle today. It was a sad moment. For the next two weeks her formula will go directly into sippy cups. For Aleigh it was so easy taking the bottle away when she turned 11 months, I thought I would do the same for Amelia. This weekend I am going to slowly start introducing whole cows milk to her. Boy I am ready to start saving that formula money.

Today was a fun day. The girls were completely exhausted by the end of the day. Aleigh could barely keep her eyes open during the Lion King before bed. I hope we can do it again soon.

Day 7: cuddly kids

The girls have been wanting to be held so much lately. While this can be tough because they both tend to want to be held at the same time, I love it! They are growing up so fast and I am loving each and every cuddle, big and kiss. They are the sweetest little girls and I am the most blessed mom!

Please think before you speak!

Today a lady was talking about how her baby gets called tiny and skinny a lot. This bothers her because her son has feeding issues and she has tried everything to get him to eat what others would call "normal" amounts. When she hears others talk about how her child is smaller than others it makes her feel guilty, like she isn't doing the right things, which is not at all true.

I on the other hand with Aleigh would get "oh you have such a big baby", "my how old is HE? HE looks huge for his age", "oh boy she is healthy, I bet she likes to eat". The list could go on and on really.

One time I even had a group of ladies walk by and one loudly decided to say "that is the fattest baby I have ever seen" she was immediately hit in the arm and shushed by her friends. None the less Jake and I both heard. We wanted to jump her and retort back some rude comments about how chubby she was herself. Trying to be the bigger person I kept walking, and have since forgiven.

Society these days makes moms worry and feel awful about the amazing job they are doing. The majority thinks they are better than the other person, or they just think they can "fix" it all.

The list can go on and on about subject matter that keeps moms up all night long.

Attachment parenting vs. what detached? (As if the opposite is what any good mom would want). Oh but wait a sec. you do want them to learn to do things on their own or they will never get anywhere in life.

Cosleeping vs. Making them sleep in their own cold dark beds. But wait a second some say cosleeping is risky as their is a greater risk of SIDS. Plus you once again hear horror stories of your teenagers wanting to still sleep in your bed.

Cry it out vs. a million other methods to get your child to sleep. The glorious nights of 8+ hours of peaceful sleep. This is what everyone dreams of and everyone thinks their method of getting there is right and the other is way way wrong.

Breastfeeding vs. Formula. Women and Dr's make it seem like if you don't breastfeed your baby you are a failure as a mother and your baby is going to end up with an awful immune system and will be obese! Formula feeding moms, this is NOT true, do some research. Don't feel bad about doing what is best for yourself and your baby by giving formula. I say it is a gift from God and my kids are as healthy as can be. I was a much better mom once I gave up breastfeeding as I was depressed, stressed and in the worst pain of my life trying to breastfeed and this was from a mom who gave birth to 2 kids epidural free.

Stay at home mom vs. working mom. Just stop ladies, stop with the judgements. Just know you are each doing your absolute best to raise your kids the best way you know how.

Child spacing is another one. My kids as you probably already know are 363 days apart. People just think they can talk to you and give you advice on how to space out your kids age. I thought this was all up to God? Apparently not. I have talked to some who would love to have their kids close in age but couldn't get pregnant. One lady told me I should pray to God for a boy and go for it immediately, yeah we are done having kids but thank you for the advice little old lady at McDonalds. When we told my pediatrician that I was pregnant with Amelia he asked if we would have any more after that. We said no and he said "thank you". Oh you are welcome I had no idea I was doing you a service by not having any more kids.

Some others are:
organic everything vs. Non
home schooling vs. Schools,
vaccines vs. Not vaccinating,
home birth vs hospital birth,
Feeding your baby solids at 4-6 months vs. 6+ months vs. baby led weaning.
Drug free birth vs. Give me the drugs now!

I am sure the list could go on and on but I honestly have forgotten everything that gets debated on because I just generally do not care anymore.

Just stop comparing ladies! Watch what you say. Only say kind things. Dont talk about physical features of someones baby unless it is to say how cute they are, or how pretty their eyes are. Stop judging and if you are the one being judged just learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. I used to let it get to me until I was at the point where I could barely sleep at night I was so worried I was doing something wrong with my child.

Now I just laugh on the inside, smile, walk away or change the subject.

Let mothers follow their own instincts again, as they are the only ones to know what is best for their kids.

Moms I suggest you throw out all the parenting books and follow those instincts God gave you. It is so much less confusing this way, and you will finally truly enjoy your kids instead of constantly worrying about them.

Know you are the best mom for your kids and you are very different from other moms as God made you different and God made your child different. You know what is best and in your eyes your child is perfect, and that alone should be good enough for you.

Day 5: mud tastes good mommy!

Amelia gets to wear all of Aleigh's hand me downs. Some were stained and thrown away but most were still in good condition. Today I took some time to scrub all of Aleigh's outgrown shoes and get them clean for Amelia to wear.

I filled up a big bucket of water and put a few things in there for the girls to play with while I use the water to do some scrubbing on the shoes.

Aleigh had a blast which was nice for a change, the last few months she has been fearful of any water and this time she was splashing water all over herself and me, we were drenched.

When I was done with the water I dumped it in the yard because it needed some water anyways.

Aleigh then walks over and splashes in the mud puddle in her brand new white sandals. Oh well I thought she normally runs from the dirt so I will let her play in it as long as she wants. 20 seconds later she comes running to me crying and trying to take her shoe off. She didn't like having dirty feet so I grab the hose and spray them clean. She then was as happy as can be with clean feet.

As I went to put the shoes inside the house I turned around and there Amelia was sitting in the mud, digging her fingers in it.

This is new for me. Aleigh never liked getting dirty. I thought it was funny so I grabbed my phone to take a picture. That is when Amelia decided to try and eat the mud then rubbed it all across her face.

We headed straight for the bath. Aleigh does not like the dirt and was freaking out, she didn't want me to touch her until I wiped the mud off my arms.

These girls keep me busy but my oh my are they fun.

Day 4: The girl's first pet died last night. :(

Day 4:

Our pet fish named Sunshine died yesterday evening. Aleigh knew who sunshine was but I thought she only paid him attention when we were feeding him, cleaning his tank or would mention his name. Turns out this was not the case and Aleigh had somewhat of an attachment to Sunshine.

I was not prepared to have to explain to Aleigh that a pet had died. I figured oh well Kea is 6, she still has years left so I never even thought about what to say to Aleigh.

Jake walks over to the tank and says uh oh I don't think Sunshine is doing so well. Aleigh and I immediately run over. Turns out he was already gone. Aleigh gets a very confused look on her face. Jake then takes Sunshine out and goes to flush him down the toilet. I was explaining to Aleigh what happened. She hears the toilet flush and gives a very worried sounding cry and runs to the toilet, lifts the lid and looks in with a scared look on her face.

I then think OK maybe she will forget about it and will be fine. This morning in 3 hours she went up to the fish tank pointing and basically asking where sunshine was without actually talking. Each time I had to explain to her that Sunshine isn't there anymore, he was sick and had to go to fish heaven and get healed. Today she looked for Sunshine 4 times. I never knew she gave that much attention to the little angel fish.

I think I will now look into breaking the bad news to a kid and try to figure out the best way to do that. I have no idea. Fish Heaven just came out of my mouth and I stuck with it.

In other news a sweet neighbor dropped off the Sunday paper on our doorstep this morning. It makes me want to pay it forward to someone else. There are still a lot of thoughtful people out there. Sometimes watching the news you start thinking this world is full of terrible people. This simple nice gesture brings me back to the true reality.

I have such wonderful neighbors, I really am blessed. Once I had a huge box of Diapers given to me by a neighbor. Another time I had 2 handmade bags and a baby blanket given to me. Another time some coupons. The last time a lady dropped off a bag full of snacks for Aleigh, now the newspaper.

Tomorrow I am going to help an older neighbor clean up his house. He offered to pay me some money to clean it as he just doesn't have the time or energy to and he thinks he is having some family come visit him soon.

Day 2 & 3

I never got around to writing about a real mommy moment yesterday so we will rewind and talk about it today.

Day 2: Yesterday my sweet husband let me go for a run. Those me time moments are a blessing. Running to me is a stress reliever and it makes me feel good all in one, so I am very thankful that 2-3 times a week Jake watches the girls while I go for my run.

Usually while I run Jake and the girls go along with me whether it is a ride in the stroller or some playing in a grassy field or time to play on a playground. Yesterday we went to a beach park where they have a mile long trail by the ocean, I love running there. The ocean is always a beautiful turquoise and sometimes the surf is up beating against the rocks. It is therapy to watch and makes running longer distances easier.

When I was finished we let the girls roam around. Amelia is such a curious little girl. She also loves the great outdoors and playing in the dirt. She is obsessed with little leaves, grass, sticks, flowers and rocks she will find along a walk. Once she picks up her treasure she immediately walks as fast as she can away from you because she thinks she can eat the item once she is far enough away. She is a silly mess. But I sure do love her.

Day 3: Stroll in the rain. The days Jake works I take the girls for a mile long walk in the stroller. I love these walks. The girls are almost always so calm and quiet during these walks , and I know they enjoy them just as much as I do.

I am going to miss these daily strolls. Soon enough the girls will be old enough to walk the whole way and know how to cross a street safely. These walks will be full of chasing kids, hearing them talk and laugh and watching them skip down the sidewalk. I will miss these quiet peaceful moments. I will miss being able to really look at the trees and feel the wind on my face. Soon I will be so busy keeping the kids safe that I am going to forget those wonderful moments.

Because I know I will miss these strolls, that is why I take them everyday. One day we will not live in paradise. The weather will not be warm 365 days of the year. In Hawaii it does rain though and it can come and go very fast. It is always hard for me to tell if it will rain here. Today we went for our walk and about 1/4 mile from our house it started pouring. I couldn't run home so we took shelter under some trees. The canopies of the trees in Hawaii are amazing. They are like this perfectly formed shelter, all the branches are high so you never have to duck. They are the perfect trees for a picnic.

The rain lasted about 5 minutes then we continued our walk. It was a refreshing walk. There is something about letting yourself get a little wet from the rain. It somehow takes your worries away and makes you feel like a kid again. I think I enjoyed it way more than Aleigh and our dog did.

30 days of real life mom moments

I came across a lady's blog and she is taking a challenge to write about an every day mom moment, to record those moments that leave us moms shocked, pulling out our hair and sometimes at the point where all we can do is laugh. I am going to take this same challenge because these moments right now might seem stressful but one day I will miss these crazy times and with two little ones these days can be crazy.

Day 1: We drove to a beach on the other side of the island in hopes the girls would enjoy seeing some sea turtles, since Aleigh loves animals. Negative. We strapped them in their car seats, listened to the same few songs over and over to make Aleigh happy. She is very sad every time her favorite songs end and let's face it, sometimes it is just best to keep them happy. We pull up at the beach and there aren't any sea turtles soaking up the sun.

Aleigh is not a fan of the ocean right now, she hates it really. As soon as we find an ant infested place to sit she immediately starts pointing to the area we came in signaling she wanted to leave. She is very good really about remembering small details like where to leave any situation she is uncomfortable in.

We decided to wait a little bit to see if any turtles would come up on the beach, and to see if Aleigh would warm up to the idea of the ocean. Negative, she had to be held the whole hour we were there. Amelia on the other hand is like me in the sense that she somehow always gets covered in sand every time we are near a beach. That little girl really enjoyed herself and for that reason the drive was all worth it, turtles or no turtles.

Stay tuned for the other 29 days.